My Body Isn’t ‘Back’. It’s Better!
After kids, my body didn’t need fixing - my mind did. And I didn’t expect a photo shoot to be the thing that healed me!
At uni, I was a party girl and dressed accordingly. Push-up bras, tiny miniskirts, towering heels. Someone once handed me a recruitment card for an escort agency - I laughed it off, but it paints a picture of how comfortable I was with flesh on show!
I thrived back then, but a year into my first real relationship, I fell pregnant. That would have been unwelcome news for any fun-loving 20 year old, but it hit even harder because my boyfriend had dumped me the week before. And to top it off, I found out I was pregnant when I was already crying my heart out, drunk and alone - on Valentine's Day!
My adjustment to pregnancy and then motherhood was difficult in so many ways, but underlying everything was a loss of self-confidence. I watched from afar as my friends carried on partying; carefree and beautiful - while I was stuck at home in frumpy clothes, often with milky damp patches on my chest. I may not be blessed with big boobs, but my goodness I could have fed a village!
I soon came to love being a mum, but I completely overlooked that I had an identity of my own. I didn’t do anything for myself, and my confidence was non-existent.
Eventually I entered a new relationship, and although it resulted in three more wonderful children, it was almost entirely devoid of intimacy. Desperate for closeness, I’d wear sexy lingerie and pull out every trick in the book to seduce… but would be frequently denied even a cuddle.
My last threads of confidence fell away. I hated my body, and its inability to tempt my partner.
I was 8 months pregnant when I found him in bed with another woman.
It was soul-destroying… but it gave a concrete excuse to escape what was an extremely unhappy relationship in so many ways.
But, despite the golden ticket to freedom, it didn't exactly do wonders for my body confidence!
My body, pre-children, was fantastic. I was young, slim and fit, and, although I would have done anything for a bigger chest, my bum did much of the heavy lifting for drawing the male gaze!
In contrast, my post-children body is soft and wobbly. It’s riddled with stretch marks. My tummy is a wrinkly, floppy, deflated balloon.
Even when I started enjoying my life again, I remained self-conscious. I avoided mirrors, hated photos, and would go into anxiety spirals about my self-proclaimed ‘flaws’.
I thought body confidence was something you could only have if you looked a certain way. I didn’t realise it was something you had to practise!
One day, a friend suggested I have a boudoir photo shoot to rediscover some self-love. She had done it herself with Honey and Lace, and couldn’t speak more highly about how transformative the whole experience was.
It took some persuading… but I had nothing to lose!
The morning of the shoot, I cried. I felt sick. I procrastinated leaving the house, and ran through every possible excuse of why I couldn’t attend. Perhaps my car broke down? Or my cat died? Food poisoning…?
I did eventually make it to the studio, and spent precisely two minutes feeling nervous and embarrassed.
But after that, the best way to describe it is that I felt… alive.
Lyddy and her team were incredibly warm and welcoming. The studio looked fabulous; just the sight of it sparked some unexpected excitement. I had my hair and makeup done - which, to a busy mum, felt the pinnacle of pampering. And we chatted freely about outfits and posing, and what I wanted to get out of the experience.
My nerves flooded back in at the initial moment of disrobing, but with gentle encouragement from Lyddy, I soon regained confidence. I’m not a natural at posing, but under Lyddy’s guidance, my awkwardness turned to self-assurance, and I really enjoyed myself.
The woman who was plotting to feign food poisoning to avoid a photographer looking at her, was soon switching outfits in the middle of the studio; not wanting to waste precious time by stepping behind a modesty curtain!
We talked throughout the shoot, and I realised how much my perceived worth had been based on what others thought of me.
I’d always looked at my saggy belly with disgust. I’d never appreciated how amazing it was to grow four humans. I’d seen it as an imperfection; something to hide if I was ever to stand a chance of being loved.
In fact, every inch of my body has faced a barrage of harsh criticism over the years. And it all came from myself; not others. I had chosen to hate myself. With this photoshoot, I was choosing to love myself.
My body will never be the same as it was in my teens, before I had babies. But that’s OK. I don’t need that body to be ‘back’. My current body is better!
It has given life to and nourished the four most amazing people on this planet - it carries the memory of that in every stretch mark. It has softness and jiggly bits because I eat foods I enjoy, and savour the small luxuries in life. And my favourite imperfection of all is a thick scar on my wrist, from the time I reached my absolute rock bottom. I look at it multiple times a day to remind me how far I’ve come and how strong I am.
I love my Honey and Lace photos. When I saw them, I didn't zoom in to criticise myself. I just thought: that's me. And I am enough.
The photos show me as powerful and sexy. It used to feel shameful to say anything nice about myself. On the rare occasion I did feel happy about my appearance, I'd shut it down because it felt arrogant. But no more! Those flickers of confidence are coming more and more, and I intend to celebrate them - not beat them back down.
My Honey and Lace photo shoot didn’t give me a new body. It gave me new eyes. A new attitude. And that changed everything.